An open letter to the food network and Adam Richman.

Dear Food Network and Adam Richman,

I am writing this letter as a concerned viewer. Recently I watched a marathon of Man vs. Food and became concerned about the health of your host Adam Richman. There is no denying that as the show has progressed Adam has gained some weight. It is obvious you have tried to hide this by always dressing him in jackets and dark colors. Despite your efforts your host is obviously larger in the face and trunk area. Maybe the camera adds 10 lbs, but it doesn't take a nutritionist (although I did discuss this concern with one) to know that the weight is all fat. Sure maybe I should mind my own business or be satisfied with the wiki page stating "Adam exercised twice a day" response to every one's growing concern. When does this man exercise when he is filming 20 plus episodes a season, doing editing voice overs, and traveling on the road?

It is your responsibility as his employers to help this man by hiring the P90x guy as his personal trainer and hiring a Gastroenterologist (a doctor that specializes in the digestive system). Let's be honest, a man that has a diet that includes regular fasting and ingesting of 5-7 lbs of greasy food is bound to have problems. I can't even imagine what 50 buffalo wings will do to your colon.

In closing food network and Mr. Richman I leave you with one final thought. It is dangerous to eat that quantity of food at a high rate; it affords for choking and injuries to the hands and mouth, not to mention the content of the food is full of fats and cholesterol that can cause atherosclerosis (the build up of plaques on your artery walls) which often leads to a heart attack. In a show title "Man Vs. Food" there is always a clear winner. I am dreading the episode where Adam collapses and an EMT walks on the screen to check Adam's pulse only to say his final line "In this challenge between Man versus Food, Food has won..."

Nick

Urinal Etiquette: Learn It So You Won't Be That Guy

It has been far too long since my last post. I've had a lot on my plate and on my mind. Now after months of soul searching and observations of the natural world I feel that it is time to have one important aspect of Bro culture finally written down. Urinal Etiquette. What the heck is this? Well if you have to ask, then it's best that you continue to read.

The topic sparked my interests as I was reading The Bro Code based on the teachings of Barney Stinson of the amazing comedy "How I Met Your Mother." It is a fascinating read, so much truth in all of the articles written down. The article of interest is Article 33:

"When in a public restroom, a Bro 1) Stares straight ahead when using the urinal, 2) makes the obligatory comment "What is this a Chick's Bathroom?" if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and 3) attempts to shoot his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball...rebounding is optional."

I feel that there is more to just these three simple rules. Urinal Etiquette is when a person properly exemplifies proper behavior in a restroom. This behavior is not limited to merely those stated in article 33. A Bro must also exhibit proper urinal selection, which may be the most important aspect of Urinal etiquette, second to only to Article 33 section 1. The following will provide scenarios to help you correct any etiquette problems you may be facing so you will no longer be "That Guy." We all know who "That Guy" is, he's the one, as Kitts once said is "The kid in 4Th grade who still dropped his pants and tucked his shirt under his chain to pee!"

So here is our first set up: 3 urinals, same size. Option one is easy, go to the last stall, farthest away from the door. It allows others to not just walk in and bump you when pissing or even turn and see your junk. Option two, also simple, go to opposite side of bathroom, leaving the courtesy stall between you. Many have argued, "Dude, I'm not gun shy." It's not a question of whether your confident in being well endowed, its just being polite that everyone wants space. It explains such behavior as sitting on opposite sides of tables at a dinner or why nobody wants the middle seat in the backseat of a car. Electrons want space as well (see orbital diagrams in chemistry) why should humans be any different right. So Option 3, one could use middle urinal or choose the stall. It's what I call players choice. So, option 4 take whats left, the Middle urinal or stall.

These rules slightly change when urinals are raised and lowed on the wall. In these cases apply the same rules based on your height. If the last stall is too tall and you are still on option 1, it is OK to go to option two or chose the farthest stall from door that is appropriate to your height. When dividers are in play follow the rules but choosing the stall choice is unnecessary and if you do, people will just think you have a small penis, and it is up to the other Bros to make fun of you until this behavior is corrected.

Trough etiquette is another beast but don't be afraid. Follow the simple rules and you will become the classiest urinater at a sporting event. So its the same idea, but option 3 is to go directly in the middle, leaving a spot on each side of you. option 4, again players choice, since its going to be crowded anyway pick any spot. option 5 is fill it in. When there is a line, wait at the appropriate stall to start the rotation over, i.e. the farthest from the door. plus by doing this you are guaranteeing that you will be next because naturally this person will be close to finishing.

I wish I can speak for "Stall Etiquette" in women's restrooms, but I am unable to observe in there for two reasons: 1) I'm a dude and B) I don't want to get arrested for being creepy. However, I have heard that women do a similar approach, choosing the stall farthest from the door. After that I am clueless. I can only hypothesize that a next lady would follow the same pattern and fill in the next stall that is farthest from the door. Until they again are all full. If any women would like to help and provide the world with proper Stall Etiquette it would be greatly appreciated.

In closing, I would like to have any reader upset about these problems to provide stories about being caught in a bathroom with someone without restroom etiquette, the "That Guy" stories. The ones that make you go "WTF was that ass thinking?" To strengthen this claim. If you disagree with what I've said here, well you could be "That Guy" and it's OK, people change, just don't close yourself off from the world. Take the advice I've just given, and try, that's all we ask for from you. So readers go out and follow these simple rules so we can make the world a better place.

oh and one last thing, Wash Your Hands! Seriously, no one wants to share a plate of Nachos with you if you come back to the table without washing your hands. Seriously bro! Seriously.

Nick

Daytime Tv and Unemployment Blues

Hello all, so I've been unemployed for sometime now and besides applying for jobs online, by mail, and in person, I have been trying to stay sane. When you have a shit-ton of free time, you mind tends to go a little crazy. I end up for the most part in the mourning watching TV in my underpants, eating cereal. Finally times are a changing, and I've been accepted into the U of MN teaching program to be a biology teacher. I'm super happy, but I feel like this whole time I should have pursued another career that I feel totally confident I can do well. Maybe its all the daytime TV but I think I could be an amazing jingle writer.

Jingles you say? Why would you want to do that? Those stupid songs get stuck in my head all the time?! Well, I answer I want to be that jackass who writes a catchy tune and makes you slowly go crazy. Think about it, Jingles are sweet as hell! You get paid for writing a 20 second tune! shit I can do that in my underwear and while eating cereal. Plus, some people find these jingles to be heart warming, bringing out happy thoughts of there childhood. Anyone remember coco-wheats and how they can't be beat? I remember that tune, despite never eating them, and you know what, I'm happy cause it showed during cartoons. Also, a while back Goldfish changed their jingle from "I love fishes cause there so Delicious" to some other thing about them be baked and not fried. I don't even care cause the second jingle sucked so much. I think many would agree and strongly urge you all to write to Goldfish to set things right.

I am going to flat out say it, I think the freecrdit report guys are cool! Those songs are funny! In the jingle community they totally top 1-800-588-2300 empire...today and "Gimme that Fillet-o-Fish" which FSN has to show 60 times a hockey game. Its just so weird.? Well, because of my love for these credit commercials I did some investigating with the help of Ronnie Waldjawkowski. I found that the lead guy is Eric Violette, and he is French Canadian. http://www.ericviolette.com/index_eng.php and apparently he is only an actor who is dubbed by another person for the commercials! I know, Sad! It was probably for the best, just watch Jacues Lamier of the Mn wild to get an understanding of how his English is and you have "french canadian". It would be pretty boring if he sang like that too. Well, going over his resume, this guy apparently has martial arts training so I'm hoping to see if they utilize that in the next commercial. Holy shit, this dude put his number online I could call him right now?...

Anywho, If someone just gave me a chance I think I could sell some stuff with some sweet grooves. Maybe the Sham-wow! can't sell it self, maybe a jingle may be helpful:

So I threw a big party,
and my friends all barf,

Spilled beer and booze, and now my carpets all fucked,

But its OK, Its all right,

Cause I'll just Sham-wow that shit out tonight!

FreeCreditReport if other screw your credit. Just as a personal note, my roommate does pay rent regularly. Thanks Steve couldn't do it with out you!

So my roommate, yeah my buddy,

didn't pay the rent, and now my credit is bad

So I can't open up my dojo and make some money

and now I'm fighting crime as a part time job instead

No I can't get a loan, for a fuckin' dojo

cause my roommate thought it was better to buy beer instead

so now I'm in tights and a mask handing out business cards

to guys i just beat the head.

So there you have it, untapped talent just sitting in underwear waiting for paychecks to start rollin' in.

Nick

Nick's Modern Life

Hello All! So the past two weeks or so I've been addicted to a cartoon from my childhood, Rocco's Modern Life. If you remember this cartoon, you may remember a lovable wallabee and his his friends Heffer and Filburt. However, as I began watching this cartoon, I realized that this show is laced with sexual induendos, double meanings, and social commentary on the 90s. What an amazing show!

As I was watching I discovered that many of the jokes and humor of the show stuck with me for years after its cancellation. Cartoons can have a huge impact on what we find humorous. I used to repeat jokes from Rocco and my roommate can remember nearly every Simpsons joke. The Witty comedy has shaped our humor, making us more intelligent. I realized something though as I was watching, there are no cartoons like Rocco anymore. What has happened to Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network. As kids our generation was treated to shows like Rocco, Ren & Stimpy, and Looney Toons, and we didn't even realize their importance in comedy. Modern Life is able to take classic slapstick comedy and pair it with intelligent humor. The creator, Joe Murray, currently has a show on cartoon network called Camp Lazlo. The show has some of the same feel as Rocco's Modern Life in the sense of lovable characters, classic cartoon slapstick, and gross humor. However it seems as if this is directed towards young children and not a larger audience. Rocco had an ability to speak to all ages, making a show that is timeless.

It makes me sad knowing that the next generation has been watching Dora The Explorer, Hanna Montanna, and shitty Animae cartoons. Scooby Doo Where are you!? We need to resurrect the idea of creating a comedy animated television show! A show that can be watched by kids and still have adult humor! IF we fail to do so, the great American cartoon will be lost. Who knows what kind of humor will be around in the future? It doesn't look too bright with the caliber of cartoons on television today. Family Guy can be too offensive for some ages, The Simpsons have been failing for years, and they cancelled their replacement Futurama! I propose a bailout to the writers of Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, and Fox cartoon department. Why not, right? In tough times like these, Laughter may be the cure!

Nick

Beaten to the Punch

This morning, as I was bumming around the Internet with no real direction, I happened upon Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Yep, it's exactly what it sounds like: Jane Austen's classic romance novel, only now it has flesh-hungry hordes of the undead. I know what you're thinking, because I thought the same thing when I first read that: That. Fucking. Rocks. Seriously, who hasn't had to make the painful trudge through one of Austen's books, and thought to themselves, "This would be so much more fun if some zombies showed up and started gettin' in everybody's business." I would even go so far as to say this recipe could be applied to just about anything you're forced to read in a high-school lit class. Lord of the Flies? Some kids crash land on a deserted island that's not quite as deserted as it seems. You get the breakdown of society and the bestial nature of man themes, plus you wouldn't have to put up with Piggy's bullshit for nearly as long, because he'd be the first to be eaten. Romeo and Juliet? The ending becomes even more tragic, because Romeo gets bitten and becomes a zombie, and Juliet is forced to kill the man she loves with all her heart. Then she vows revenge, and she kills about a thousand more zombies in a bloody, no-holds-barred massacre of the undead. And they say Shakespeare isn't relevant to today's youth.

As I was reading a couple of interviews about Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, something in the back of my mind was bothering me. "This all sounds kind of familiar somehow," I thought. Then it dawned on me. The Jane Austen-zombie mash up was so familiar because I had done it before. In 2005, I wrote a synopsis for a movie called Bobby Jones vs. Zombie Jane Austen:

Bobby Jones vs. Zombie Jane Austen is the story of average 10-year old Bobby Jones. When, during a game of home-run derby, a foul ball flies through the window of Bobby's next-door neighbor, evil old woman Esther Wigginsby, she swears revenge. Combining her love for unmitigated evil (Victorian literature) with her twisted necromancy skills, Esther summons from the depths of hell the most terrifying demon/bestselling author in history: Zombie Jane Austen. Unfortunately, Jane Austen is far too corrupt and malicious for Esther to control, and she breaks free of Esther's influence and begins a wave of destruction through the city. The only one who can stop her now is the plucky young lad with the starry look in his eye: Bobby Jones.Bobby organizes a people's militia and leads the battle against Jane Austen, and at first seems successful, but then things take a turn. Since Bobby, as a 10-year old boy, has based his life on fun things, he is susceptible to the evil powers of Zombie Jane Austen (Jane Austen being the natural enemy of fun). The tides turn in the battle however, when Bobby finds Esther's necromancy book and summons the help of Zombie Mark Twain. The two undead writers battle it out in climactic battling-it-out style, until Mark Twain delivers the final blow and sends Jane Austen back to the darkest depths of hell where she belongs. The world celebrates, Bobby Jones is a hero, and people all over Earth are united in the destruction of Jane Austen.

I did it first! They stole my idea! In one of the interviews, they actually use the phrase "zombie Jane Austen." Later in the same interview, they mention a new book soon to be released where Jane Austen becomes a vampire, and over the next 200 years of her life, she settles some scores with other authors. Other authors like Mark Twain?! If that happens, I'm going to sue, I swear to God. Man, this sucks. This is almost as bad as that time Michael Crichton stole my manuscript for Cretaceous Land.

Nick and Joe Drop Science on Internet, Breaking Both

Minneapolis, MN - People all over the metro area rejoiced today as two local jackasses finally shut the hell up and took their nonsense to the Internet, where it could be safely ignored. The two men, who have been talking about creating a venue for their sketches, articles, and random ideas for years, finally made good on their threats and created this blog, which you are now reading, which means that you're one of their moms. Hi Mom.

They hope that by starting this blog, it will rocket them to instant stardom, billions of dollars, and Jedi Knighthood. They would also like if their absurd musings brought a smile to your face, and maybe even made you laugh a little bit. If they made you pee your pants from laughter, please comment, they would love to hear about it, but not in a weird sexual way. That's gross.

So, yeah...what do ya' think about that? sound cool? You know a lot of people would think its unprofessional to ask for questions in the middle of your article, but I never went to journalism school. I just enjoy feedback from my listeners. I feel that we grow closer with ever article. Maybe close enough to be... best friends? sweet, text me later new best friends!

Ronnie Waldajawski~AP Wire
XOXO