Urinal Etiquette: Learn It So You Won't Be That Guy

It has been far too long since my last post. I've had a lot on my plate and on my mind. Now after months of soul searching and observations of the natural world I feel that it is time to have one important aspect of Bro culture finally written down. Urinal Etiquette. What the heck is this? Well if you have to ask, then it's best that you continue to read.

The topic sparked my interests as I was reading The Bro Code based on the teachings of Barney Stinson of the amazing comedy "How I Met Your Mother." It is a fascinating read, so much truth in all of the articles written down. The article of interest is Article 33:

"When in a public restroom, a Bro 1) Stares straight ahead when using the urinal, 2) makes the obligatory comment "What is this a Chick's Bathroom?" if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and 3) attempts to shoot his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball...rebounding is optional."

I feel that there is more to just these three simple rules. Urinal Etiquette is when a person properly exemplifies proper behavior in a restroom. This behavior is not limited to merely those stated in article 33. A Bro must also exhibit proper urinal selection, which may be the most important aspect of Urinal etiquette, second to only to Article 33 section 1. The following will provide scenarios to help you correct any etiquette problems you may be facing so you will no longer be "That Guy." We all know who "That Guy" is, he's the one, as Kitts once said is "The kid in 4Th grade who still dropped his pants and tucked his shirt under his chain to pee!"

So here is our first set up: 3 urinals, same size. Option one is easy, go to the last stall, farthest away from the door. It allows others to not just walk in and bump you when pissing or even turn and see your junk. Option two, also simple, go to opposite side of bathroom, leaving the courtesy stall between you. Many have argued, "Dude, I'm not gun shy." It's not a question of whether your confident in being well endowed, its just being polite that everyone wants space. It explains such behavior as sitting on opposite sides of tables at a dinner or why nobody wants the middle seat in the backseat of a car. Electrons want space as well (see orbital diagrams in chemistry) why should humans be any different right. So Option 3, one could use middle urinal or choose the stall. It's what I call players choice. So, option 4 take whats left, the Middle urinal or stall.

These rules slightly change when urinals are raised and lowed on the wall. In these cases apply the same rules based on your height. If the last stall is too tall and you are still on option 1, it is OK to go to option two or chose the farthest stall from door that is appropriate to your height. When dividers are in play follow the rules but choosing the stall choice is unnecessary and if you do, people will just think you have a small penis, and it is up to the other Bros to make fun of you until this behavior is corrected.

Trough etiquette is another beast but don't be afraid. Follow the simple rules and you will become the classiest urinater at a sporting event. So its the same idea, but option 3 is to go directly in the middle, leaving a spot on each side of you. option 4, again players choice, since its going to be crowded anyway pick any spot. option 5 is fill it in. When there is a line, wait at the appropriate stall to start the rotation over, i.e. the farthest from the door. plus by doing this you are guaranteeing that you will be next because naturally this person will be close to finishing.

I wish I can speak for "Stall Etiquette" in women's restrooms, but I am unable to observe in there for two reasons: 1) I'm a dude and B) I don't want to get arrested for being creepy. However, I have heard that women do a similar approach, choosing the stall farthest from the door. After that I am clueless. I can only hypothesize that a next lady would follow the same pattern and fill in the next stall that is farthest from the door. Until they again are all full. If any women would like to help and provide the world with proper Stall Etiquette it would be greatly appreciated.

In closing, I would like to have any reader upset about these problems to provide stories about being caught in a bathroom with someone without restroom etiquette, the "That Guy" stories. The ones that make you go "WTF was that ass thinking?" To strengthen this claim. If you disagree with what I've said here, well you could be "That Guy" and it's OK, people change, just don't close yourself off from the world. Take the advice I've just given, and try, that's all we ask for from you. So readers go out and follow these simple rules so we can make the world a better place.

oh and one last thing, Wash Your Hands! Seriously, no one wants to share a plate of Nachos with you if you come back to the table without washing your hands. Seriously bro! Seriously.

Nick